


When You're Gone

by lilylav



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, No Fluff, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:40:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27639008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilylav/pseuds/lilylav
Summary: I no longer think of you every day. You don’t make my heart race every day anymore. I don’t long for you when I see a happy couple walking down the street. My hands no longer remember the feeling of you holding them. I don’t know when I stopped falling in love with you. But this is a hurt like no other. I still love you, more than life itself. But I am no longer in love with you.ORI had an idea for a really sad Bokuaka fic and I regret all my life choices. Also Akaashi's POV.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	When You're Gone

_I no longer think of you every day. You don’t make my heart race every day anymore. I don’t long for you when I see a happy couple walking down the street. My hands no longer remember the feeling of you holding them. I don’t know when I stopped falling in love with you. But this is a hurt like no other. I still love you, more than life itself. But I am no longer in love with you._

Akaashi had quit volleyball in his senior year. He couldn’t look at the court without feeling pain swell in his chest, taking him over. He wanted to go back, wanted so desperately to return, but all he could see whenever he stepped foot on the court was the arch of his back, all he could hear were the loud cheers that had once echoed through the building.

_I figured that I would be able to handle it, when you moved on. I knew we didn’t have forever. After all, time only ever moves forwards. Still, I thought I had time. I thought we had time. You were going to leave. I always knew that. But where did the middle of our story go? Where are the long walks along the beach at sunset? Why did we never kiss under the moonlight? We jumped from our first meeting to our goodbye in a heartbeat, never pausing to smell the flowers. But what if all I wanted was to go to the flower fields with you?_

Akaashi didn’t talk to his old teammates anymore. It had been almost eight months since he’d last seen Bokuto. He could still hear his voice, sometimes, when he heard someone cheer after scoring a point. He started attending the games, watching from afar, a wall of glass built by himself standing in the way of his participation. Whenever he went, there was fear in his heart, begging the older boy to not be there. And he never was. Whether Akaashi was just particularly good at avoiding him, or he didn’t bother to come to the games, Akaashi wouldn’t know. But he let the relief take over him regardless.

_You could never stop to smell the roses, though. I knew that, deep down I knew. But god, I would have killed for you anyway. You raced ahead, never having time to pause and read a book, or stay beside me. From the moment we met, I knew it was a matter of when you would leave me, not if. A part of me hurt when I realized. But that’s the way it’s always been, hasn’t it? One always rushes ahead, the other stays behind. I was so used to being the one rushing ahead. But this was only fair. You couldn’t stay still even if I begged you to. Oh, well._

Akaashi didn’t want to think about all the opportunities he’d missed by quitting. The friends he could’ve made, memories he could’ve cherished, progress he could have made. But, was it worth it without Bokuto? He tried to think it was, tried to convince himself that he could go on without the person he cared for most in the entire world. But he knew it wasn’t true. It never could be. Bokuto was everywhere he looked on the court, hiding on the sidelines, in the corners, by the net. It was always overwhelming, and Akaashi didn’t know if he would ever be able to look at the court the same way again.

_I wish I could miss you more than I do. I wish it killed me more when I woke up and you were the second thing I thought of instead of the first. I wish I could look up at the stars and wish that you were too. But I am an empty shell, have been since you left. I remember every touch, every smile, every word we ever shared. But they’re blurry now, faded into the past. Do you know that it kills me? Do you know that I wish they were still in vivid colour?_

Akaashi didn’t text Bokuto back when the older boy wished him a Merry Christmas. He didn’t text back on New Years. It had been over a year since they’d parted ways, and Akaashi had left for university, gone on with his life. He was pursuing a career as an editor, knowing his strengths had always come through holding up the people around him. It was getting harder to wake up in the mornings, yet sleep didn’t come as easily.

_You once looked at me and confessed that you wanted us to be friends forever. My heart fluttered at your words, and I could feel my hands sweat. There has never been a time when I didn’t feel that way around you. From the moment I saw you, I knew that you would be it for me. Everything I could ever want, everything I could ever need. But that isn’t true anymore. I don’t know what hurts more. The fact that you’re gone, or the fact that I can live without you._

Akaashi didn’t go to the one year reunion. He knew who would be there, and knew he couldn’t face them. It had been so long, and there was really nothing Akaashi could think of as an excuse for why he’d been away for so long. The person he was truly avoiding, though, was Bokuto. He knew that ultimately that was why he wouldn’t be attending the reunion. It was cowardly, and internally he despised himself for it, but there was nothing he could think of that was worse than seeing the former ace there with a new lover. It could very well kill him.

_I didn’t go, but I still love you. Can you feel it? The invisible string that has tied us together? Or was it all just in my head, were they all right? Did you never feel anything for me? Was I right in staying away? I hate that I’ll never get to ask you these questions. I hate that you’ll haunt me until my dying day, a shadow of the life I could have had, the person I could have been. Everybody told me that when I found the One, it would be magical. But you weren’t magic. You were better. You were real._

Bokuto was still calling him, refusing to give up. Akaashi didn’t answer, not even once. He knew if he did he’d fall all over again, and fall hard. It was infuriating. He’d never even been in a long term relationship, sticking instead to one-night stands that he never talked to again. Several people had asked him out, but he’d turned every person down. None of them were Bokuto, none of them would ever be like the man he was in love with. But he knew that if he kept holding himself back from a relationship, he’d never have anything real in his life.

_You were real, and loving you hurt. It hurt so much, but I wanted you anyway. You were my everything, did you know that? I wish you could see how much you changed my life. You were the only real feeling I’d had in so long. Maybe I’m just being sentimental, and should move on from you. But I miss you more than life itself, and I’m going to feel that way until the end of time. If I could stop feeling, even for a second, maybe I’d be okay. But will this ever really get better? You were the one real thing in my life, and you left. You left and I’m just left here loving you. I wish you could see what you did to me, but I never wanted you to see me like this._

His first attempt since his first year of high school. It felt awful. He’d been getting better, he’d been improving, he hadn’t tried anything that reckless in years. It stung, knowing he’d let himself get to that place again. Knowing that he wasn’t strong enough to fight it anymore. The hospital staff treated him with kindness, which was a relief. He didn’t know what he would’ve done if they’d been as snide as the ones from his first attempt. This one was quieter, just a bottle of pills. He should’ve slipped away, would’ve been happy if he could’ve. But fate, it appeared, was not on his side.

_You were going to be my last thought. Did you know that, Koutarou? I’ve never called you by your first name before. It feels odd. I wish I could’ve addressed you that way at least once during high school. You were going to be the thing I said goodbye to as I faded. I could see it, could see your eyes as I was drifting off. It felt like a lovely dream. I’m back in reality now, Koutarou. God, I wish I’d never woken up. It was such a sweet dream._

He was still listed as Akaashi’s emergency contact, a leftover from a high school prank. Bokuto had whined for hours, pleading with Akaashi to go along with it. Akaashi had caved as he had always known he would. There wouldn’t be a day on earth when he could resist those eyes. Those eyes that stared down at him, as the two looked at each other in shock. Akaashi could’ve sworn he’d changed the contact, but apparently not. Bokuto’s mouth hung open, his wide eyes filling with tears when he saw the bags under Akaashi’s eyes and the iv tube that ran into his skin.

_I could’ve sworn I changed it. Then again, maybe it was on purpose. A last-ditch subconscious attempt to see you again, to be the thing those beautiful eyes focused on once more, if only for a second. They would tear apart my soul if I ever let them near me again. But I would let them. I would let you destroy me if you wanted to. You could do anything to me, Koutarou, anything at all, and I’d let you. Simply because it would be you doing them._

“Akaashi?” Koutarou’s voice rang out in the hospital room. Akaashi wanted to run into his arms, but knew that would be impossible, especially in the state he was in. The lights above him flickered ever-so-slightly, drawing him out of his thoughts and back to reality. He eyed the former ace up and down, from the slight blush on his cheeks to the muscles rippling just underneath the thin t-shirt he was wearing. It looked as if Koutarou had just woken up, and considering the time, Akaashi wouldn’t have been surprised if that was actually the case.

_You’re still as handsome as ever, Koutarou. I wish I could tell you all the things I’ve felt these past few years. But there’s no way a beauty such as yourself is single, and I’m not in the mood for another heartbreak. This one might actually kill me. I might let it, though. After all, if you’re with someone then you’re happy. And that’s all I wanted to know, in the end. I’ll never stop hurting from your loss, but I can rest easy knowing you’re happy._

“Hey, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi said, his voice wavering, still weak from the damage of the drugs and the breathing tube he’d had shoved down his throat. He didn’t remember talking being that hard. It annoyed him to no end. Koutarou’s mouth fell open when he heard Akaashi’s voice, although Akaashi didn’t know why he was acting surprised. It wasn’t like he was anything special, after all. His voice shouldn’t have been that shocking.

_I would’ve killed to see you look at me like that back in high school. I would’ve burned down the world for that expression. But all I feel is cold detachment now. I don’t want to, I want to run up to you and bury my head in your chest and cry until I’ve got no more tears left to give. Sometimes I wonder if it’s out of sheer self-preservation that I keep you at arms length. After all, if I keep you far enough away, it’ll hurt less when you leave for good. Won’t it?_

“Wha-” Bokuto’s eyes looked like they were about to fall out of his skull. “What happened? I got a call at 4 a.m saying you’d tried to kill yourself and you were in the hospital and I was your emergency contact and-” Akaashi refused to meet Koutarou’s eyes, which made the older man’s eyebrows scrunch up. “It’s not… true, is it? You didn’t… you didn’t actually try to do that… to yourself, did you?”

_“I wish you could see what I see.” You told me those words on an afternoon so long ago I doubt you’d even remember it now. They meant nothing to you, just another one of your selfless promises. But they meant everything to me. You would repeat them every time I criticized myself, until I stopped altogether. But I don’t have someone like that in my life anymore, Koutarou. What did you expect, really? We both knew this day was coming, even if we liked to pretend that we didn’t._

“So what if I did?” Akaashi huffed, turning away from Koutarou. He couldn’t handle seeing the pain in his eyes, couldn’t handle the small quiver of his lips, or the wetness of his eyes. The shakiness of his hands as he slowly engulfed Akaashi in a hug, a silent promise in his arms. Akaashi didn’t respond, couldn’t, could only focus on the warmth of Koutarou’s body as he kept Akaashi safe. He hadn’t felt those arms wrap around him in so long, it was utterly overwhelming. The tears fell this time, as Akaashi lost the will to fight them anymore.

_I’ve wanted you to hold me like this for so long, Koutarou. But please, don’t give me what I want now. It will only make me want more, and I won’t be able to handle it. I love you too much, I’ll be too broken when you leave. I can’t handle you leaving like that again. It might very well break me apart, and I might very well let it. Leave now, Koutarou, before you tear me apart all over again._

“I missed you, Keji,” Koutarou muttered into Akaashi’s ear. He wasn’t sure if he was intended to hear it or not, but his heart still hammered in his chest anyway. Koutarou pulled away from Akaashi to rest their foreheads together, and the two sat, breathing in sync, letting the quiet wash over them, a blanket keeping away the tragedy of their eventual goodbye.

_I love you, Koutarou. I love you so much that one day it’ll kill me, it’ll end me, and I won’t even be able to complain. Because I will have brought it on myself. It will be sitting within me, echoing through my bones, and the endless what-ifs will haunt me until my dying day. But it’s worth it, because this feeling, of having you near me, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Please, if it’s only for a moment longer, a moment in the lives we will lead mostly without each other, a moment in the sea of dying lovers and loves, please. Stay._

“I missed you too, Koutarou,” Akaashi muttered. Koutarou stroked his back as he held the former setter, their tears seeping into each other's clothing. Silent sobs racked through Akaashi’s body, taking him over, as he was unable to fight them. Koutarou cried with him, both of them clinging onto the other desperately, knowing they’d soon have to say goodbye. All good things come to an end. They were not the exception to the rule, could feel it in every inhale, every tear, every sob.

_I should’ve told you those words so long ago. This outcome is my own fault, I’ve got only myself to blame. But I’ll never stop loving you, Koutarou. Even if it’s only in the longing whenever I look at a volleyball court, or the twitch of my eye whenever I hear someone say three hey’s in a row. Even if it’s just on nights when I’m so lonely that you come back into my mind, playing me like a broken record, repeating the same tragedy again and again. If it’s only in the quiet of the night, when it’s raining, as I stare out at the droplets. I’ll love you._

They eventually separated, as they knew they would. Akaashi was a hollow shell after that encounter, unable to talk to his family, shutting himself off from his friends, declining any offers of romance that came his way. That was his last encounter with Koutarou, the two separating and falling out of contact. Akaashi responded to one or two of Koutarou’s texts, but they had both known that it was goodbye. Akaashi ended up staying single and watching the people around him fall in love. He didn’t feel that bad in his life, contentment finally setting in when he reached his thirty’s. He had those fond memories to look back on. And perhaps it wasn’t everything, but for him, it was enough.

_Our story didn’t end in a large fight, or a broken kiss as we cried. There was no big dramatic encounter, no major tears shed, no one moment when we truly parted ways. It was a slow fade, one that I tried to speed up. I shouldn’t have done that. It was a stupid mistake. If I could go back, Koutarou, I’d confess it all the moment I first set foot in Fukurodani’s gym. I would give it all up. But I suppose some people just aren’t meant to have happy endings, are they? Some people fade away, ever so slightly, day by day, a fade so slow that no one can notice until it’s too late, and the void has already taken them. I wish things could have been different, but perhaps this was the way things were always meant to be. Goodbye, Koutarou. You’ll never know how much I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> So... I'm very sorry to anyone who read this. Honestly I can never read angst with these two, but always find myself writing it. I know I'm a hypocrite. Anyway, hope you enjoyed!


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